i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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