Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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