drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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