Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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