Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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