from now on my penis is your penis
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
