I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
