I CAN MOONWALK!
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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