I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
