after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We left an ass print on the piano.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
