Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
