you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
