Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
