You smell like a Billy Joel song
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
