Moan for me like Helen Keller
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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