oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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