I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
