remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
