apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
