my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
