My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
