Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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