I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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