i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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