last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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