I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
