I didn't shave. On purpose
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
