Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
