Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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