i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
