my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Boobs speak an international language.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
