Just cropdusted the office
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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