i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
