Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
