1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
