if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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