What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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