I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
