I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
