In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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