Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
