Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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