I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
