Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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