How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
