Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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