you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
