I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
