Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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