you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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