I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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